English lost its formal “you” centuries ago, which leaves English speakers with no instinct for a distinction Italians use constantly. Italian has tu for people you are familiar with and lei for people you are not, and getting it wrong is the most common way a polite visitor accidentally sounds either rude or oddly stiff.
Textbooks make this complicated. In practice it is close to a single rule with a handful of exceptions.
The rule: use lei with any adult stranger. Switch to tu only when they use it with you first, when they invite you to, or when the person is clearly a peer in an informal setting. When in doubt, lei — being slightly too formal is invisible; being too familiar is not.
What actually changes
This is the part that trips people up: lei is grammatically third person. You are literally addressing someone as “she” — a survival of an old formula meaning “your lordship”. It applies regardless of the person’s gender.
| Informal (tu) | Formal (lei) | Meaning |
|---|---|---|
| Come stai? | Come sta? | How are you? |
| Parli inglese? | Parla inglese? | Do you speak English? |
| Puoi aiutarmi? | Può aiutarmi? | Can you help me? |
| Hai un tavolo? | Ha un tavolo? | Do you have a table? |
| Sai dov’è…? | Sa dov’è…? | Do you know where… is? |
| Scusa | Scusi | Excuse me |
| Vuoi…? | Vuole…? | Do you want…? |
| Dimmi | Mi dica | Tell me / go ahead |
The two you will use most: scusi rather than scusa to get a stranger’s attention, and parla inglese? rather than parli inglese?. Those two alone cover most traveler interactions and both are already in the formal register.
Who gets which
| Person | Use | Why |
|---|---|---|
| Shopkeeper, waiter, hotel staff | lei | Adult strangers in a service role |
| Anyone older than you | lei | Age matters in Italy more than in the US or UK |
| Officials, police, doctors, office staff | lei | Always, without exception |
| Someone you have just been introduced to | lei | Until they switch |
| Children and teenagers | tu | Using lei with a child sounds absurd |
| Friends, family, people your age at a bar | tu | Formality here reads as cold |
| Other young travellers, hostel guests | tu | Peers in an informal setting |
| Animals and God | tu | Genuinely — prayers use tu |
The switch, and who gets to make it
Moving from lei to tu is a small social event with its own verb: dare del tu, to give the tu. The older or more senior person offers it; the younger or junior person does not initiate.
You will hear it offered directly: “Diamoci del tu” (DYAH-moh-chee del too) — let’s use tu. The correct response is to agree warmly and switch immediately. Continuing with lei after being offered tu reads as keeping someone at arm’s length.
You can also offer it yourself to someone clearly your peer: “Possiamo darci del tu?” — can we use tu?
Where English speakers actually go wrong
- Defaulting to tu because it is what apps teach. Most beginner courses drill tu forms almost exclusively, so the first thing many travellers say to a sixty-year-old shopkeeper is grammatically the version reserved for friends.
- Using ciao with strangers. Ciao is informal — it belongs with tu. With someone you are addressing as lei, use buongiorno, buonasera and arrivederci.
- Over-correcting into stiffness with young people. Using lei with someone your own age in a bar is not polite, it is distancing.
- Panicking mid-sentence. Nobody minds. Italians hear a foreign accent and grade generously — the effort registers far more than the ending does.
The regional and generational reality
Southern Italy tends to be somewhat more formal with strangers; the north can be quicker to tu in casual settings. Younger Italians move to tu faster than their parents did, and in some workplaces and creative industries tu is now the default across ages.
There is also voi as a formal singular, which you may hear from older speakers in parts of the south. It is not an error and you do not need to use it — just do not be surprised by it.
The practical version
For a trip, you barely need the informal forms at all. Learn the lei versions of the handful of questions you will actually ask — scusi, parla inglese?, può aiutarmi?, ha un tavolo?, quanto costa? — and you will be correctly polite in every interaction that matters.
Those forms are already used throughout our 100 traveler phrases for exactly this reason. Pair them with prego, a buongiorno on entering anywhere, and the pronunciation rules, and the politeness side of Italian is essentially handled.